Love Hurts
by Dana E. Vassy
Summary: Scully learns why a relationship with your best friend is a bad idea!


Title: Love Hurts  
Author: Dana E. Vassy  
Rating: PG., for language and situations  
Spoilers: Lazarus, all things, Never Again (I haven't even   
seen it), Redux, Redux II, Orison, Milagro  
Disclaimer: Do I seem rich enough to have the rights to   
this merry bunch? Well, I won't be making any money out of   
them now either. That said, Philip is and was mine. Sorry   
for more Scully damage, but she offered to help with my   
personal therapy. Well, I was drunk and I think that's   
what the doll was saying...  
Summary: Scully survives one heartbreak too many. She   
realises that true love doesn't come without its price -   
and even then it may not be worth the struggle. Look out   
for depressed!Scully...Noromo friendly - sensitive shippers   
beware  
Feedback: Give Lola feedback! As her lawyer I *will* sue   
you all...but on a nicer note PLEASE send to:   
scullys_no_slut@viceprez.fsnet.co.uk  
Song: 'Love Hurts' as performed by Elaine Paige. (shuttit   
Lis) So sad, so true - so perfect for a breakup  
Distribution: You want it, you got it - just tell me where   
through the addy above ;0)  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
Love hurts, love scorns  
Love wounds and mourns  
Any heart not tough  
Or strong enough  
To take a lot of pain  
To take a lot of pain  
Love is like a cloud  
Holds a lot of rain.  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
She sat staring at the blank television screen, listening   
to her own heartbeat. It slowed from its previously manic   
rate, becoming a gentle and regular thud in her chest   
cavity. The sound of water running from the flat upstairs   
was the only noise disturbing her self-inflicted silence.   
She released a breath she didn't know she had been holding.   
Turning to face the door, she knew he would not be coming   
back. Mulder, as her lover, was no more.  
  
Scully sighed and reached for the remote. The tears had   
not arrived, but they would come in their own time. She   
switched on the TV for company more than anything and   
stared glassy-eyed at the nonsensical trash it showed in   
the afternoon. Now she remembered why she had rarely taken   
sick leave unless it was absolutely necessary. But today,   
not even reruns of Sunset Beach could force her back to   
that basement office.   
  
When Mulder had finally asked her out on a proper date, she   
had been as sceptical as normal. Don't read too much into   
it, and don't let yourself believe it could work out. But   
like all the fools who went before, she let herself fall in   
love. She would wake up every morning thinking of him, and   
on the rare occasions she didn't wake up beside him, she no   
longer felt alone. It had been years since Scully had let   
herself get so attached to anyone, on any level. And so,   
for a few months, her rose-tinted world had been a special   
kind of bliss.  
  
Every girl knows dating one of your male friends,   
particularly the closest one, is fraught with danger. God   
knows, Scully had been through enough failed relationships   
directly related to her career. Instructors, lecturers and   
colleagues had all come to a painful conclusion. And for   
years she had regarded Mulder as a devastatingly attractive   
best friend, someone firmly off-limits. But when her   
resolve was weak they had taken the plunge. No one had   
been surprised, and everyone was full of congratulations.   
If that was just for dating, Scully dreaded to think what   
the reaction to marriage would have been.  
  
Maybe that was the problem. There was too much depth   
there; it could never be treated lightly. It was less   
like starting on the fifteenth date, more like starting on   
the fifteenth year. Not that Mulder took her for granted,   
too often, but they missed out on the light-hearted phase   
where they got to know each other. They already knew all   
there was to know, and a few more tidbits besides. Once   
they crossed that metaphorical line, they were straight   
into a serious relationship. No time to reconsider, or   
slow it down. It took seven years to get this far, how   
could they act like school children? But the intensity had   
only been one factor.  
  
Men always tend to be looking for something other than a   
girlfriend. Sometimes they needed more, other times they   
wanted less. Daniel, for example had been married. He had   
wanted a bit of fun, but then found himself craving the   
commitment and shelter of a marriage. When he tried to   
start controlling her life, Scully knew she had to follow   
her instincts and join the FBI. It had broken her heart to   
let him go, and seeing him after ten years hadn't helped.   
She had wanted to be part of him, yet remain independent.   
Daniel couldn't let her achieve that balance. Besides, the   
guilt of being a mistress had never sat well with her   
conscience.  
  
Jack had been another great catch at the time. Again,   
Scully had been sure he was 'the one', and their year   
together had been less demanding than her time with Daniel.   
Jack was older, and ultimately her superior, but gave her   
the respect she desired. In the end, the spark just faded.   
Once she had achieved he who was supposedly unattainable,   
he started to lose his charm. The ordeal with his eventual   
death had crushed her that little bit further, hardening   
her heart to the past. She started to close out people   
even then. She missed him now, but put part of that down   
to the fact that so much had been left unsaid.  
  
Ethan had been a casual affair that coincided with her   
introduction to the X-Files. Her eagerness for her new   
assignments had driven him away - he had wanted someone who   
he could treat with nonchalance, who would also be at his   
beck and call. Right from the start, their coupling was   
doomed, but once again, Scully let her blind faith conceal   
the truth. And once again, her heart had been broken.  
  
Even her first proper relationship had been ended by a   
conflict of needs. Her older boyfriend Philip had allowed   
her to act more grown up than she was. He wanted someone   
to dominate, and once again her headstrong nature put paid   
to any chance they might have had. She knew it was all   
down to fate, that she should never compromise her nature.   
Daniel's reappearance had made her question the whole   
notion of making choices. In every part of her life, she   
had chosen to move on or to start again. That was exactly   
what she had done with Mulder.  
  
She had thought long and hard about her feelings for   
Mulder. He was her best friend, and as pathetic as it   
sounded she needed him. More importantly she trusted him   
with anything. And so she had trusted him not to break her   
heart. But trust causes too many complications when it   
comes to love. And God knows, he carried enough guilt   
about everything that had happened to Scully.  
  
She had won her partner's trust, no easy task. This trust   
was the most important thing in his existence, which was   
perhaps why it had all gone wrong. Mulder had told Scully   
he loved her at least a thousand times. But it was never   
what he meant. To Mulder, Scully was compensation for all   
the shit that had befallen him. Ever since Samantha had   
been taken, he had been looking for someone to tell him the   
truth. Scully had done that at last. She was a fantastic   
friend to him, more than most people could ever hope for.   
They were not constrained by the conventional platitudes of   
mere friendship. But what Scully saw now was a harsh and   
frightening truth. Mulder was not capable of the committed   
romantic relationship he had tried so hard to give her.   
What he wanted was a replacement for Sam. When she went,   
so did the honest part of his life. The rejection from his   
parents, and all the doors that had closed in his eager   
face were beyond damaging. Although Scully had given him   
back some human credentials, all those years would not be   
dissolved by a sexual connection. Mulder was scarred for   
life. In Scully he needed a lover, a friend and a family   
all in one. But Scully could not live her life as a   
replacement for his sister and mother. The expectation was   
exorbitant, and eventually she would let him down. It   
would never be intentional, but it was an inevitable   
consequence of life. And today she acknowledged that she   
had to release this, cut her losses. She could never be   
fulfilled whilst living up to an impossible dream. Some   
days it was hard enough to be Mulder's friend and   
colleague.   
  
In their brief spell as a couple, it had been wonderful.   
Scully had almost forgotten what it was like to be loved in   
that way. But like so many times before, the warning signs   
had been there. From the pointless arguments to the   
increasing silences, Scully saw the strain they were both   
under. Certain comments Mulder made had triggered her   
'replacement' theory. Everything built up to a point   
whereby the harsh light of day finally penetrated her   
dream.  
  
So what now? After the scene with Mulder, she could   
cheerfully hide under her duvet for the next hundred years.   
He had looked so crestfallen at her outburst, and yet   
relieved. Mulder had his work to keep him content for the   
rest of his life. Scully would have to content herself   
with that too. Yes, working on the X-Files would be   
fulfilling, and she could resurrect her friendship with   
Mulder. Luckily they had stopped in time. It would be   
painful and perhaps a little awkward at first. But they   
would muddle through somehow, as they always had in the   
past.   
  
On reflection, Scully mused that she would rather be shot   
again than endure heartbreak like this. So, with as much   
resolve as she could muster, she vowed this mistake would   
be the last.  
  
* * * * * * * * *   
Some fools rave of happiness  
Blissfulness, togetherness  
Some fools themselves I guess  
But they're not fooling me  
I know it isn't true  
I know it isn't true  
Love is just a lie made to make you blue  
* * * * * * * * * * *   



End file.
